I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
