She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
