I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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