Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
