It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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