Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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