She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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