How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I don't deserve a penis
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
