the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
