the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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