Sponge bath it is.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
