someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
