I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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