you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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