There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
