i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
