I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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