Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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