He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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