I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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