i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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