I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
you never un-have a 4some
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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