She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
