I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I could have mohawked her pubes.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
