My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
