I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
