I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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