I saw his package. It spoke to me.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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