I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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