ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
