I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
