im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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