I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
