how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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