1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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