Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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