In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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