I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
