i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I love having hate sex.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
