tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
