Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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