he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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