a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
