Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
