she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
