ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
