woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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