i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
