He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
