Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
