im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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