Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
barbara walters just said penis...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
