I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
