I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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