she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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