Yo dont text me then not text me
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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