he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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