so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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