my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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