I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
