I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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