Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
