my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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