Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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